When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
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