I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
