Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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