In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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