its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
