i would punch a child for taco bell
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
