Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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