It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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