i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
