ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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