where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
