if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
