I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
