if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
