I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
