btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
