We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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