He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
