I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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