my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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