everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
