whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
