When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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