I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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