I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
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she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
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Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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