Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
