Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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