Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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