I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
