Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
