were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
