Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
