You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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