I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
