you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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