This is not my ceiling
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i wish my penis had a tongue
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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