dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake