you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.