why im i the only drunk person in the library?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize