Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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