My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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