halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
