i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
