she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
