are you still at the devil's house?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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