I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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