At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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