I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I am midnight drunk by noon
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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