i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
