in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
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My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
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It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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