i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Sober January is a disaster.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
