i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
