Tell her she can't have a vagina
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It was a blind-side dick pic.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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