i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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