I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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