Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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