Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
