Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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