I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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